Stuck: To Do or Not To Do
It's hard to actually write when you truly don't feel like it. After traveling abroad and sitting at my computer various times to write this post, I found how much I want to write, but I don't know what topic to write about or even where to start. I've always taught myself that it's only important that you start and then you can edit and make the post/writing better with each edit and once you start, you've done something.
But that's where I get stuck. I think that I need to "do" something to be successful in my life. It's great to have goals, but isn't it just okay to be me and to waste time watching dumb shows on Netflix? My answer is... only for a little while. With more happening around me and noticing people completing more and more goals, I know I need to set goals for myself and follow through. And so, I know I've been faltering for awhile with this writing thing (meaning not writing for the past month while I was gone), but I hope to keep writing. The stories I tell here might be a reflection of what I noticed while I was in Ethiopia for a month, might be the journey of break-up that I feel constantly reminded of, or maybe it will be regarding career changes. As much as I like telling the stories of what happens in my life, just like my life is changing, I forsee that this blog is going to change.
I still enjoy writing and finally with the music blaring and sitting in my newly organized (yet somehow messy!) room, I am able to get these thoughts down. It's a matter of taking the time and pushing through the things I might not like (or want to do), being vulnerable and continuing to put up stories regardless of how I feel about them. Letting myself become a bit more controversial and letting others disagree with me and not having an extreme emotional reaction or an immediate judgment. I can only control myself. Since seeing the lifestyle of community in Ethiopia, I have definitely felt more alone than previously now that I'm back in Chicago. With the damn cold and realizing other dreams might not make sense anymore, I am aiming to set reasonable expectations for myself and others. Becoming less selfish and more involved might bring me to that, but focusing on myself and truly loving myself will allow me to give more.
A friend told me recently, "I see you helping people." Sometimes I think I'm helping and then I end up not, and then other times, I know that she's right. I want to help people in some way. Although this writing is probably helping myself more than anything, if there is a way that this writing is helping you, please let me know. I'm on the next part of my journey and every day is something different. It might be just how I like it. We'll see.
Coming back from Ethiopia, the goal is to live simply and be a bit less hard on myself. I hope to see less of boys as a priority in my life (although they are fun!) and more love for friends and family. The picture you see is me just being me in the midst of posing for a photo. I don't want to be ashamed of who I am or what is happening with me. So I'll share.
I know this reflection isn't quite like my other posts, but thanks for reading anyways. After being stuck for so long, I'm happy something finally went up. And, don't worry, I'll have a new story coming up soon.
